Chuck Norris’ Blue Period

I friend of mine invited me to check out this Chuck Norris Movie titled Silent Rage. He said he had a VHS copy of it and that if I didn’t act, I may miss out altogether because the likelihood of it being transferred to DVD was slim. What an endorsement! I asked him to summarize it. His response was that on a scale of 1 to 10 he would give it 9 roundhouse kicks to the face. This wasn’t because of its artistic perspective or anything. That scale just informs you of the condition your brain will be in after watching it. And since I am never one to pass on the opportunity to destroy some brain cells, I took the invitation. Besides, an evening with Chuck Norris rarely disappoints. Unless of course you are expecting Cinema Verite. (Don’t tell him I said that, I’ve seen what his beard can do).

Brain, meet Chuck Norris’ beard

On the day of viewing, we spent some time rounding up the necessary paraphernalia one needs when experiencing a movie of this caliber:

– 12 pack Natural Ice, check!

Bong, er, “waterpipe”,check!

-Snacks (mainly gummi in nature), check!

With all things accounted for, we pressed play, took a hit, and settled in.

Here is a quick plot summary: A Sheriff in a small midwest town is entrusted to hunt down a killer that has been re-animated post mortem by some doctors with a God complex. The killer can regenerate from wounds and for all intents and purposes, is “unstoppable”. Cue Chuck Norris…

From the synopsis above, you can most likely glean an understanding that this film was created primarily to insult the audience’s dignity and intelligence. The arc of the story played out in a fashion that is typical of movies of this fare. Beginning, Middle, 17-roundhouse-kicks-to-the-enemy’s-face-while-in-flames-invariably-sending-him-falling-to-his-death-down-a-well, and End. As expected, no pith in the subject matter.

Well, well, well…what a surprise…

Despite the film’s lack of compelling storytelling and integrity, It still managed to evoke a “What the Shit!” moment. A moment in which, we the audience, collectively freaked the eff out! A moment that, to this day, still unsure of its meaning, I get creeped out whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and think back to this particular scene my friends and I witnessed.

The scene itself is not too terribly discomforting. It consists of stock dialogue in the Chief-of-Police’s office, where Chuck Norris’ character attempts to persuade his superior that they need more firepower to combat the threat. Something stupid like that, I don’t quite remember because I was busy standing on the effing couch pointing at the TV!

Onscreen, in the Chief’s office, hanging on the wall was Picasso’s famous “The Old Guitarist”. It’s kinda creepy in its own right, but what got me was the fact that it was hanging on the wall in the living room where I was! Not only that, there was a tall houseplant situated right next to the painting in the corner of the room that was ALSO in the Chief’s office! The same effing plant! WTF!?

Suspect A

Suspect B

 

 

 

 

 

After we all freaked out for about the next 10 minutes, we took a breath (bong rips), and finished the movie. But all I could think about after that was the scene in The Ring when the drowned girl broke the fourth wall and exited the TV to take the lives of all in the room. 

My friend was right. Silent Rage starring Chuck Norris will leave you feeling like you received 9 roundhouse kicks to the face, indeed.

 

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About chrysanthemummy

My apprehension and skepticism are a defense mechanism I have learned to embrace in order to navigate the absurdity of life. (this will be updated as soon as I think of an alternative way to describe myself). Oh! I like star wars...
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