Top 5 lazy things I do

5. Play videogames

4. Not play videogames

3. Stare at my collection of books and not read them.

2. Use my Ipad to control my laptop from 3 feet away.

1. Go to the gym. Use exercise bike
because it allows me to sit.

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“Hey bro, can you spot me?”

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ZOMBIE SUPERMARKET

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Screwed by a Trojan, Cookies for a Happy Ending

This past weekend I found myself on the receiving end of a Trojan.  As exciting as that may sound I can assure you that no double entendre is being employed here.  Instead I am speaking to the vicious and imperious virus that infected my computer.  As I watched it hack away at my laptop’s innards, all I could think about was how much time this was going to take away from my rampant viewing of internet memes.

How could I go without High Expectations Asian Father or Scumbag Brain!? I cannot go without the thoughtful and poignant levity these jewels provide!

So instead of using access to all of humankind’s knowledge (the internet), to meme-ify myself, I had to use my stupid Ipad 2 to research how to rid myself of this horrid Internet Contraceptive.  3 hours go by and I am at my wit’s end!  I decide to go for broke and go back to the first solution I found.  I avoided it previously due to a scary notice using a cartoon laptop with X’s over the eyes. Plus it said it was only for Windows 7. (I use Vista…don’t judge…there are still people out there using non-smartphones!)

It worked! Balance had been restored!  I could go back to my usual counter-productive self and watch videos mashing up Justin Beiber and Slipknot! (I purposefully misspelled “Bieber” cuz I don’t respect him).

With a big sigh of relief and another bottle of beer, I opened a web browser and searched for something to placate my hunger for the absurd.  It needed to be something that expressed my joy at fixing my computer.  As always, the internet provided and gave me this:

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Text Grandma, she misses you

These days, instant messaging is ubiquitous. Everywhere you look you’ll see people thumbwrestling their smartphone. Whether they are sexting their cat or tweeting their last words after waltzing into oncoming traffic, it seems like our digital honeymoon is ever perpetual and affecting everybody. And I do mean EVERYBODY.

Which brings me to….

The Top Five Text Acronyms I Expect To See Used By Seniors!

5. TOTD: “Tool of the Devil!”

4. UBW: “Uphill both ways

3. IMD: “In my day

2. GOML: “Get off my lawn!

1. W: “What?

There you have it. I expect to start seeing these being used by the “Greatest Generation” immediately.

“TTYL” …maybe

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Temp Work Is Dangerous

If I took this away from you, I apologize.

I was shocked awake this morning with a terrible thought. My subconscious decided it was a good idea to add more stress to my already aching brain by reminding me of a stint of temp work I had done a couple years back at a very large nationwide mortgage company.

It was an interesting experience to say the least.  And it was run by a malevolent character that I referred to as the “Leather Popsicle”.  She had a penchant for tanning to the point of beef jerky and just as salty a disposition.

Like I said, I was a temp and I wasn’t necessarily loyal to the company, yet I strived to do an acceptable job so that I could continue to have some cashflow.  Some others and I were brought in to work on a particular project. Our assignment was to process and fund a backlog of mortgages applying for refinancing.

Need I remind you: I’m a temp! I have no prior experience in this field!

Scary, right?

All that being said, we went to work after about a half an hour of instruction. Our training was basically a manual/binder that we would check the loans contents against and then input it into the company database.  If a particular page in the loan folder said x, then you would enter y into the database. Not very complicated. But here is the kicker: The manual, which they affectionately called “The Bible”, would change every week!  X would become Y and vice versa the following week!  This was very disconcerting to me because what I had processed previously seemed to be null compared to what I was processing on any other given day.

But what could I say? I had no previous experience in this industry. So I kept my mouth shut and put my head into my work and tried to be as accurate as possible.  It was tough to know that my accuracy was being affected by essentially what felt like a rigged system that erred on the side of flaws. I hoped that I was just misunderstanding the larger picture.

Two weeks later my assignment ended and a month or two after I had moved on to another job, the housing market crashed. The company I had worked for was swallowed up by another entity and the recession has been a daily news topic ever since.

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Be Careful What You Say In The Car

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Another reminder that you should finish the argument at home

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A Night At The Ameoba Opera

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I’m so afraid of convenience

Never has an item so confounded me as much as the Apple Ipad. It is an amazing idea with “limitless” capabilities and it is adored by the tech world.  I work and live in the tech world and I despise it. I despise it so much that I purchased one today.  I came home and left it in the Target bag, in the box, on the stand next to my front door. There it sat as I searched for things aimlessly to distract me. I did the dishes, I changed shirts, I thought about buying an aquarium…the distractions were working…

As I imagined myself staring wondrously at my hypothetical undersea property, I was reminded of Anakin’s covert rendezvous with Emperor Palpatine in Episode 6: Revenge of the Sith. Inside the Ameoba Opera Anakin listened to the Emperor. He was curious about the Dark Side of the Force. It’s mysteriousness intrigued him for he surely thought it had elements that could be used for good. Properties it possessed that, if wielded properly, could be used to his advantage.

The alarm on my oven went off suddenly, officiating dinnertime. I still had food to eat and an episode of Community to view keeping me from the inevitable.

“Why was I so nervous?” I asked myself.

And then I realized it was pride. Pride was poisoning my mind and keeping me from enjoying a tool of modernity.

“NO!” I shouted inside my brain. “It is a matter of principle! I know that it is an inferior device! I just want it for Garageband and not just to be cool!”

In a fit of rage, I went directly to the Target bag, reached in and removed the Ipad 2 and set it down. Then I turned back to bag, reached back in and searched around violently until I found that damn receipt! I removed it and stared at in so intensely I thought it would catch fire…panting heavily I sat down on my couch and said to myself;

“I have 30 days to return it.” I then opened the box.

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